I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
