I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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