I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
