I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
