i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
