Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
