The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
