I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?