im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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