Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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