Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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