Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
