Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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