ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dear god my vagina.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
