I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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