Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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