it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
