I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
