Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize