you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
