I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
