They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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