never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.