He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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