I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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