I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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