Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
