my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Pants are for mortals
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize