Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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