Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He has the fingertips of a God
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
