i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
