there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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