Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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