If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
