My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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