And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
