I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
