I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
