WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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