booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
