I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
