I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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