i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish my penis had a tongue
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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