I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
