Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
