we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
