My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
