it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.