this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"