I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
