both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
