I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
worst night to have a conscience
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
