The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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