i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
