All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
