Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
