Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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