Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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