I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
